How does this topic relate to holistic health?
In psychology, in the field in which the character of a person is studied, there is a type of character corresponding to fear of being free because one thinks that if one is free, one will not be loved anymore. To me, this has everything to do with holistic health. I tell you this so you can analyse your behaviour and if you relate to my words, you can use my tips to change.
To these people this fear begins, commonly, at very early age and because it is a pattern, there is no conscience about this behaviour. Psychologists work a lot in understanding the root, the cause of this trauma, what is behind the persons’ behaviour and that’s all important to know. However, the focus should be in changing the behaviour and be healthier.
How does a person with this fear behave?
He/she feels that if he/she does something different from what has done his/her whole life or behaves differently, the others that always loved him/her will stop loving him/her. This can be seen in basic behaviours like dancing. The person tends to not free herself because he thinks that he will be judged as crazy.
Many of us have this feeling, but to what extent one feels it is what makes the difference. We can have the thought and be brave to choose to ignore it. However, there are people that get frozen and cannot help themselves in doing something pleasant.
Signs that you have this type of behaviour:
- You have the feeling that you are not wanted and/or you don’t deserve;
- You always expect for things to go wrong;
- You are submissive doing something even when you don’t want to do it;
- You are very a very anxious person;
- You are not assertive in what you say, this is, it is difficult to express yourself even about simple topics;
- You complain and whining a lot;
- You want to please.
These people were raised in environments where there was love but there was also pressure. Frequently families where the mother is dominant and the father passive. For this reason, the child grows up without individuality and ends up feeling like living in a cage, from where he/she cannot get out to be free. It is important to say that:
“As children, none of us get 100% of our needs met. This is true of you. It’s true of me. It’s true of everyone. The degree of which our needs aren’t met varies widely, and the nature of how our needs are unfulfilled differs as well. But it’s the sad truth about growing up: we’ve all got baggage. And some of us have a lot of it. Whether it is a parent who didn’t hold us enough, who didn’t feed us regularly enough, a father who wasn’t around often, a mother who left us and moved away, being forced to move from school to school as a child and never having friends — all of these experiences leave their mark as a series of micro-traumas that shape and define us.” – Mark Manson –
We shall not forget that parents, before being parents, they are people and so they are also trying to improve (or they should be).
As adults, it is our responsibility the way we act and how we improve as people. Someone with this kind of fear and behaviour can change, if he/she wants, if he/she has discipline and is willing to go to the darkest places of his/her soul.
The last point of the list of behaviours says: wanting to please. Indeed a person does everything to please the other, but behind this action there is grudge, negativity and hostility. Because deep inside, one feels superior toward others but cannot get out of the cage. This grudge disguised of submission is frequently felt by the ones who are pleased.
I’m going to give an example:
A man is submissive, attentive and does things at home that few men do. His wife likes and asks him to do that. However, she says that he seems like a saint but he is not, and that he becomes cranky while doing the home tasks she asks for. Therefore, she prefers that he is honest about what he wants and doesn’t want to do, because she doesn’t know when he is being sincere.
As you can understand, both of them suffer from this behaviour. If you relate with these people, change and you will free yourself, you will be happier and healthier.
The Turning Point
After one gains conscience about the way we acted, we have two possible decisions to make (and if you came all this way, you cannot ignore who you are): You ignore the situation, pretending that you know nothing and continue in the cage or you take the first steps towards change.
If you decided for the second option, congratulations! It is going to be an amazing trip, full of victories but also some stumbles. In the end of each victory you are going to feel happier, more motivated and more alive. If you are 40 years old, don’t expect that in 3 months you will behave in a completely different way. Everything in you is habits. Even emotions are habits so do not despair.
The first thing to take into account is that you need to be brave. Perhaps you aren’t yet, but you must have courage if you really want to feel better in this world. Everytime you do something that you are afraid off or something unusual, you are going to practice the muscle of courage.
The second thing is to begin understanding what your dreams are; what you do for yourself or for others; what you do with others that you would do differently if you were alone. After so many years stifling your desires, these answers will not come at first. Try to understand what causes you good emotions and write everything down. For instance: going shopping for myself makes me feel excited and energic.
The third thing, and this is the point at which courage is required, is to start saying no. Coming back to the example above, if you like to buy clothes for yourself and you want to go alone, say “no” to your partner who always want to go with you. Since the partner is not used to that reaction, it can create some conflict, but believe me:
Your “yes” is only going to be valued, once they start hearing your “no”.If the conflict created turns to be too much, show this article to your partner and express the way you were feeling. Say that you are changing for yourself and that you need his/her support, after all you are a team. This message serves all kind of relationships.
Lastly, you need to relearn how to be free. It helps to think that you don’t have to be today what you were yesterday. As if your memories are gone and you know nothing about your past, you are free to be whatever you want. You need to let go of the image of a shy, too nice, saint person. Because that’s not an advantage to anyone. To free yourself do things that feel/seem crazy, like screaming. Initially you can start screaming a lot, really a lot when you are in the car driving on the highway. You can play a song at home and dance. In the beginning it will feel awkward, but liberating.
I am sure that there are many hidden feelings, repressed in your body, and now you need to release them. I am sure there is much hate. It’s okay because only after releasing it you can feel what love really is. You stop doing something because you have to, and instead you begin doing because you want to give love, understanding and compassion.
@Ana. In this moment my thought is: Someone will not stop liking me if I don’t speak with her for a week!
Bioenergetics – Alexander Lowen
Very nice article, just what I needed.