There was a time when Psychology discovered that much of what we are is due to our parents. This includes the good and the bad. It was discovered that we carry fears, traumas and habits to our adult life that belong to our parents. Since then there was an increase in the number of therapies to understand childhood. These therapy sessions were aimed at accessing unpleasant memories and hurtful moments that triggered the start of misguided believes. Their intent was to consciously change them (a good aim!).
It is important to demystify the concept of “have had a good childhood”. As there is no such thing as perfect adulthood, also childhood couldn’t have been 100% good moments. What exists is many memories of hurtful moments when we were kids that need to be accessed so we can grow and learn to do differently (than our parents). Also as kids, we absorb bad habits from our parents. For example, if the parents smoke, there is a higher probability for the kid to smoke as an adult – for him/her smoking will be natural.
I don’t want to shock you. I had a blessed childhood. But as a teenager and still now I have challenges and moments that mark me. Ricardo Araújo* uses to say that “it hurts to live” and it is true. Only that way we can grow.
Continuing the timeline.
After the aforementioned discovery, people began having access to deep wounds that happened early in age. A difficult but important process to heal. In this process, there was and still are adults blaming their parents for not having done “X” or “Y” so everything would be different.
Finally, after the blame, a generation of more conscious but extremely careful parents was created. They placed discipline and values aside due to fear to hurt.
I am not a mother yet, and so I haven’t passed through this last phase of the cycle. However, I passed through other phases including not having had a golden childhood. Everything in life is a cycle. Life itself is a cycle and when you accept that, you accept that your parents fought to be the best parents they could. You accept that you came to the world as a challenge for them and you accept their mistakes and improvements over time (if they actively did efforts to improve). It is their cycle and the beginning of yours. Everything is connected.
Couldn’t all have been easier?
It was proven in labs that mice living in super protected environments, with everything they needed, were so fragile that died at any adversity.
In reincarnation, it is believed that our soul chooses what family it needs to be born in order to pass through the challenges it needs in this life. To learn what it hasn’t learned yet.
Traumatized. And now?
As children we are sponges. We absorb everything at high speed. And we absorb from those closest to us. The first seven years of your life are the years when you program your self: your way of thinking, seeing the world… Everything that happens in this period stays in you throughout life if not reprogrammed.
I know, there are levels of bad experiences. This article IS NOT meant to shadow the task of the parents. But it mostly aims to be a call of action for sons and daughters for “what now?”. Now we can take the lead of our lives and change!
If your mother used to control and you became a controlling woman – you can change!
If your father taught you that searching for a life with abundance and money is a sin – you can change!
Abilities are learnable. Believes are changeable. Habits are replaceable.
Everything is a matter of perspective and work
I don’t want to undervalue the pain one might feel. Do you remember the timeline/history I told you at the beginning of this article? There are indeed childhoods with serious issues, like sexual abuse. This is a violation of life.
It is said that reprogramming your brain takes time, awareness and resilience. I would say this is very true – personal development is a journey.
Jim Rohn used to say that when you change your perspective of the world, the world changes for you. I sign below. Life has changed for me and will continue to change because I have the power to do it.
Parents, this is not an excuse
It is not an excuse to not take care. It is not an excuse to not give love, understanding, good nourishment and time. Contrarily to having parents fearful of doing everything wrong, work on yourselves. Be the example showing that you fail and you improve. Don’t live by fear. This is a life commandment! Work on your self-esteem and see your kids as people. Take care of them and see them.
Already on this website you can find material to start the journey. Search articles like Vasco Daniel Interview – Alchemy, Codependency, Love and Freedom, Posture and Muscle balance, A mentira da Gordura Saturada. Or read other good websites and books. You can find some suggestions here: Livros 2018, Livros de 2017, Livros 2016.
Sons and daughters, this is not an excuse
When I started to study this topic, I also started to do bioenergetics or zone exercises (Paul Chek). During these exercises (I can write more about this if you want) many emotions from the past came out. It is important to express ourselves. And when we don’t do it our body retains the tension for years, which can turn into problems of physical health. For this reason, it is important to express ourselves and release the tension from emotions of the past. Ignoring it can be much more harmful than a good moment of sharing or a healthy discussion.
I spoke and speak with my parents, sisters… when I feel an emotion that was originated in a moment of the past. I tell you: It is liberating. Being able to express that someone hurt me takes a huge weight off my body and soul.
As daughters and sons, we cannot take advantage of eventual feelings of guilt of our parents. No mental games of “you did X when I was younger, now you have to redeem doing Y”. No. No parents. No sons, daughters. No adults and teenagers. And if this behavior exists, one should talk about blame.
Yes, as kids we passed through unpleasant situations that generated terrible fears and barriers within us. They shaped what we are today and they are the root of many issues that prevent us from thriving towards the life we want and dream about. Yes, our parents were not/are not perfect and failed, lost patience many times, abandoned us in other moments and unfortunately, some abused of the power they had.
Perhaps we gave them the biggest challenge of their lives.
Now the power is in our hands. As adults, we can change whatever we desire. And if as a child we weren’t responsible, now we are. It’s all in our hands.